Ha-ma-kom y’na-chem

On the morning of Sunday, March 13, with about 20 people gathered around the table in the Salzberg Library, Debra Rosenman led a learning session on How to Comfort the Mourner. As someone commented at the close of the lively discussion that developed around this topic, she taught us much about how to be a mourner, too.


Debra began with the textual source of shivah. When Job was mourning for his family, three visitors came and sat with him in silence for seven days and nights. The theme of silence was one she returned to frequently. She emphasized the importance of being present for the mourner in a way that does not draw attention to oneself – “it’s not about you”. She offerred some “do’s and don’ts” to guide us in the shivah house where the rules of normal social intercourse do not apply: do not make a grand entrance/exit; do not greet other visitors who may be present; be guided by the mourner’s choice to speak or not speak. Shivah can be exhausting for the mourner. Silence can be helpful. Visiting during the day rather than at minyan times can offer the chance for quiet support without distractions.

A related discussion developed around food. Many feel it necessary to bring food to shivah – that to arrive empty-handed is wrong, and that it should be something sweet. Debra countered this notion: the only thing you bring to shivah is yourself. Food can be burdensome to the mourner, which was echoed by some around the table. ( Check first with someone close to the mourner about food needs before making any assumptions. In fact, the need may be greater once shivah has concluded.)

While acknowledging that every situation is different, and that paying a shivah call requires us to be sensitive to the emotional environment and psychological realities we encouter, Debra advised that we can – if we feel comfortable doing so – teach the mourner that she does not need to offer food or introduce us to others present, ie, to play the social role of host. In this spirit, Debra taught us the only prescribed speech that tradition assigns to the visitor: Ha-ma-kom y’na-chem et-chem b’toch sh’ar a-veil-lei Tzi-yon virusha-la-yim, May God’s Presence comfort you among all the moruners for Zion and Jerusalem. She encouraged learning and developing comfort in saying it. Putting it in context first (“I would like to offer you the saying that people have used for hundreds of years when leaving the house of mourning”) can make it easier for us to say and for a mourner who is not familiar with it to hear. This teaching, like so much that Debra gave us, opened a window on the true meaning and comfort of shivah.